To harvest life gracefully during my preschool age was a impossible task for me as I did not feel loved I was a very bashful, lonely and vulnerable little girl. Envisage, me as a 16 month old child whom had not yet begun to walk because I was born with my hip bone out of my hip socket. One of my legs, were longer than the other. Apparently, this type of deformity was not well-known then as today, my physical imperfection was rare and strange for my parents. After seeking medical advice from medical experts, my parents were advise to have a medical procedure performed to put my hip bone back into its' hip socket. My parents struggle with making a decision to have this medical procedure, because family members were giving my parents frightful comments about how I would become crippled, then horrible arguments broke out about it; while I was standing in the mist of those arguments. I have no memories of these arguments, but I know they took place, because my mom told me so. Knowing my parents as I do, I am sure I did not receive any emotional support from my parents about the arguments that I overheard. I am sure that I came to believed there was something terrible wrong with me and I blamed myself for it. I came to this conclusion from doing research about children and how they process traumatic situations, when emotional support is not present.
Against family wishes my parents decided to go ahead with the medical procedure as the doctors advised. The hospital, where the procedure was to be done at was 50 miles away from my home. Oh! by the way, I forgot to mention that my mom was 8 months pregnant at this time. On March 29, 1955, was the day, I arrived at the hospital for my procedure. While at the hospital, on the same day my mom's water bag broke and she went into labor. She then, was rushed, by my dad, in his vehicle to a hospital that was 75 miles away, where she delivered my brother. I was left alone, feeling frightful I began to cry my little heart out, long and hard. No one came to my rescue, except for another patient, who was admitted, for a skin disease. She came into my room, picked me up out of the crib, sat down in the rocking chair, that was in my room, held me and comfort me, as she rock me in that rocking chair. While she was comforting me, the nurse came in, saw what she was doing and demanded her to leave my room immediately. The nurse said, “You have no business being in another patients room, especially since you have a skin disease that could possible be pass on, you need to leave this room now!.” (I never did get a skin disease from her) Later, after my dad was able to return to the hospital, this lady told my dad what happened. She said , “Your daughter was crying so loud, and hard, I felt so bad for her, I could not resist, picking her up to rock and comfort her. My dad said, “Thank you, for looking out for her.”
My dad had problems getting to the hospital to be with me, because he was a dairy farmer, his cows needed to be milk every morning and evening. Then there were 4 other children at home to be attended to. He felt conflicted, between his responsibilities to his cows, his wife in one hospital, his daughter in another and 4 other children at home. My dad was able to manage this dilemma, by asking for help and support, from family members. He ask my grandma (my mom's mother) to stay with me at the hospital, a few hours each day, she agree to do so. Otherwise, I was pretty much left alone, during the hospital stay.
This event was an uncontrollable event, in my life. Never-less it was an event that affected my life greatly. Feelings of abandonment, insecurities and self-worth needed to be addressed, but they were not. Perhaps my parents wasn't aware, or had the know how or their focus were on other things. I believe that this was the beginning of my self-defeating beliefs I had develop about myself. I also believe, this was the beginning of the emotional abuse I received. My emotional abuse from my parents was not one of verbal degrading comments to me but one of emotional neglect of supporting me when I needed it.
What do we say? "HARVEST LIFE GRACEFULLY!"
HARVEST LIFE - and heal your heart from abandonment and feel joy again!
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Coming soon!!! Harvest Life - Examination of my life - preschool age - part two
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