Another good article I found about child abuse. This article describe me to a tee.
The Girl, The Box, and The Effects of Child Abuse
By Evinda Lepins
She was one of the fortunate ones in this vicious cycle of child abuse, for shame keeps most victims silent while the perpetrator goes unpunished, thus leaving the abused entangled within the circle of long-term effects. With the cause of her child abuse removed, she was free to go, leaving with an imaginary box that contained hundreds of pieces representative of the effects that accompany child abuse and child sexual abuse (CSA). She couldn't put the past behind her until the effects no longer lived so deep within her. The voice of truth had beckoned her some time ago, giving her the tools to unlock the closed box and sort through the pieces. Because the effects were buried so deep within her, the process was a long and arduous one, complicated by the fact that there are many residual pieces attached to the larger ones. As the pieces were put together, the color came, adding depth and contrast, ridding her of the shame she carried within that had clothed her, which had hidden from her, her sense of self-worth because of surviving instead of relating This in turn closed her eyes to the non-development of her observing ego that inhibited her ability to see herself accurately, and what was exposed was the almost innate desire to control her surroundings due to a lack of ability to trust.
"Shame is a major companion to most victims who were sexually abused as children," caught the girl's eye as she was reading the article. Memories of dealing with her own shame surfaced as she read on, and the Girl remembered one of the first things that her counselor had taught her about, which was duality in thought. She remembered years of blaming and judging herself as a child, believing that she actually held enough power to go back and change what had happened to her, as though she could have stopped him, the one who had molested her. She was beginning to understand that this was definitely a cognitive distortion. For years she denied her feelings of helplessness, powerlessness and most of all her anger. The Girl had learned that shame and its residual effects are actually a continuum; on one side were the societal boundaries that are there to protect the abused; and on the other was shame, the extreme negative end point of the continuum.
In addition to the suppressed feelings of helplessness, powerlessness and an almost combustible amount of anger just waiting to be released, another of the residual effects of shame is the way that it had crippled her, preventing her from establishing personal boundaries, both physical and emotional. For years, the Girl had existed with the sense that her needs were unimportant compared to the needs of others, which cycled to an unawareness of what her needs actually were, and so she existed without her own personal boundaries.
This taught the Girl to survive, not relate, and because of her survival instincts, she had no sense of self. The Girl survived by avoiding pain, criticism at all costs, constantly striving to please and win others over, which created a false sense of purpose. The Girl's purpose was to love and be loved, and to belong, but this actually led to a false sense of connecting with others, and that in turn affected her sense of her own value for she found her value in doing and not being, all of which are at the core of everyone's need. She had a sense of everyone else's self, their needs, thereby becoming a people-pleaser, whatever the cost, and taking away from the time necessary to nurture her own needs, her own self.
Now the Girl could see how this had set her up for failure, because unconsciously she expected others to be aware of her needs, and when they couldn't fulfill her needs, she moved on to the next person, the next relationship, trying desperately to fill the hole within her. Little did she realize that continuing to form these relationships was setting her up for the cross-generational cycle.
There are the residual effects from child abuse and CSA. If only she would have picked up this piece sooner to avoid the perpetuation of the residual pieces, effects such as depression, sexual promiscuity and thoughts of suicide, anxiety, further damaging her self-image and increasing her shame, decreasing the ability to climb out of the box of effects.
The next piece that filled in a large gap was the effect the abuse had on her development of her observing ego -- observing ego is the part of us that watches what we do and say in some objective manner -whereby her sense of reality differed from actuality. The Girl was not capable of realizing how she came across to others, nor was she aware of her defensive attitudes and how her actions pushed people away. She continued to perpetuate the cycle by trying to prove herself invaluable in the lives of those she entwined, the motive being self-gratification under the guise of nurturing, and projecting her unfulfilled needs until she moved on in her mode of survival with her undeveloped observing ego, running further and further from her true self and her ability to see herself accurately or the emotional effect her behavior - words, attitudes, and actions - had on others. Her sense of self-awareness was comprised of emotions and sensitivities but was blocked because of the amount of pain endured by others' behaviors; therefore, she could not see others' pain that she herself caused. Hence, the residual effect of the victim-perpetrator cycle comes into the puzzle.
All notion of not being like the perpetrator is almost an oxymoron for a victim of child abuse, for the abuse itself is an emotional paradigm, i.e., the abuse is an emotionally infused effect, and creates an emotionally-prompted reaction because any perception of harm or risk, or loss of control prompts the action.
Finally, the last piece, the last effect entwined with many other pieces that gave clarity as they came together in the puzzle, was the almost innate tendency to control her surroundings, including the people in her life, due to a lack of trusting. Some behaviors of control are actually residual effects such as self-medicating, which more often than not leads to addiction, obsessive-compulsive behaviors in one, some, or all areas of functioning in life, and eating disorders, be it anorexia or bulimia, also a form of control. The Girl remembered many instances of her world being out of control and feeling the need to have control of something, and how that had led her to purging after eating. That had gone on for years until another type of behavior took its place.
The Girl sat there, reminiscing about all the men in and out of her life and how her urgency to control had been the genesis and the end of each of those relationships. Her eyes welled over as she was reminded of the way she tried to manipulate not only the men in her life, but her son as well by trying to manipulate his choices under the guise of parenting him as best she could, unbeknownst to her, creating a similar experience for the person she was caring for, becoming like the one she had come from.
This cycle has perpetuated since the beginning of time. Goodrick and Kohlenberger, commentators for the NIV Bible, concur that sin, as defined in the Bible, denotes not just a wrong, an iniquity or an offense one commits, but an infliction put upon by another. In other words, child abuse, the wrong, reaps effects caused by the wrongdoing of another, which in turn, causes more effects.
Child abuse is a process rather than a linear cause-and-effect phenomenon. It goes without saying that there follows a longer process in becoming whole; that is, the longer the abuse, the more pieces there are to the puzzle.
The Girl sat there with the almost-empty box, feeling a sense of peace that comes with understanding, for the picture that the puzzle had created was her life, coming together one effect at a time, and it was only by understanding that she could dare to break the cycle of the effect of the effects. The pieces, as they had come together, had rid her of the shame and her mode of just surviving, had helped to develop her observing ego, freeing her from her need to control. All of the pieces brought with them color that gave contrast, enabling her to understand, in more depth, how the effects of child abuse had affected her life.
Yes, there were still pieces to take from the box that would complete the puzzle of her life, but only the passage of time would reveal how and where those pieces fit in.
Evinda Lepins has firsthand knowledge and experience in unpacking the junk in her own trunk. Her heart is to help others unpack their junk and arrive at their "Destination Joyful." She uses her writing and public speaking as ways to help others accomplish this. To find out more about Evinda and "The Men In & Out of Her Life," the first of the "Destination? Joyful!" trilogy, please visit her at http://www.chicklitpower.com/.
Now lets go out and harvest life gracefully and put a stop to child abuse.
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