There were sure tell tale signs of my emotional abuse by the way I had acted. When I arrived home from the hospital with a big cast on my leg, that covered the entire leg, and then there was a brand new baby in the home. All of these changes caused me to feel insecure and I reacted to them.
Soon after, returning home from the hospital, I learn how to walk with that big, ugly cast on my leg, this is when I began to act out my insecurities, I decided to run away from home. I can still hear my mother telling me, in a joking, laughing manner, of how far down the road I had gotten before she notice that I was gone. She sent my oldest brother to fetch me, but the closer he got to me I would try to run faster, not wanting him to catch me. My parents laugh it off, my parents had no ideal that I was emotional unstable and I needed emotional support. I did not know how to cope, why I was left at the hospital alone? My thoughts were, what was wrong with me that I was left there? Then, after returning home from the hospital and finding a new baby in the home, I thought that this baby was there to replace me. It is obvious that a mind of a 16 month old child does not have the capabilities to understand all that had taken place and the reasons why. Without the emotional support, it only reaffirmed the belief, that had already began to form in my mind, though overhearing family arguments about my physical deformity of my hip, that I was unloved and not wanted.
Another tell tale sign was how at bed time, I would stand upon the top of the stairs to my bedroom, yelling and crying down at my parents begging them, if they loved me. This was an every night occurrence. My parents would get frustrated with me, and yell back “Go to bed!” I then would go to bed feeling more unloved and unwanted because I heard the anger in my parents voice directed at me instead of any love or affection they had for me. The next night would repeat itself over again. I am not sure how long this behavior lasted, but am quite sure it lasted long enough, until, I realized what I needed from this type of behavior, I wasn't going to get.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I woke up feeling scared. I then, walk to my parents bedroom, I asked, “Can I sleep with you?” Either my mom or dad would say, “You can crawl in bed with us, but you need to sleep at the foot of the bed by our feet.” This lasted for maybe about 10 times before my parents told me, “to stay in my own bed .”
Another good example is when I would wrap my arms around my mother's legs while she was standing at the kitchen sink. Saying over and over “I love you” wanting her to reply back with the same. She pushed me away and said, “Leave me alone.”
My mom was never very good in showing her affection to her children once they got into the toddler stage. I do not remember hugs, being held, receiving loving touches from my mother's hand or even words of “I love you.” given freely by her.
After years gone by and into my adulthood is when I discovered that my parents did truly love me. The problem was the lack of awareness, and my mom's feelings of being overwhelmed and depressed about her life, and my father being so busy trying to be the provider. My dad has since pass, he left this world with my love and respect and he had love and respect for me. My mom lives close by and I see her often, words of “I love you” with a hug is exchange whenever we meet.
The purpose to examine your life as it is, in order to harvest life gracefully and find purpose in your life, is just what it is. You are looking upon your life without judgment and not looking at it as good or bad. It is what it is, just plain fact.
What do we say? "HARVEST LIFE GRACEFULLY!"
Harvest Life recommends this book
Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics)
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